On a Roller Coaster

(continued from the previous post dated 14th July, '06)
For the remaining part of the year, we kept in touch mostly through
mails sent infrequently while passing through the amalgam of many
moods created through festivals, illnesses, birthdays, lost meeting
opportunities....as we decided to cling to each other for hope and
sustenance of our spirits.


kband - the long weekend is finally over! sometimes too much of a
good thing becomes unbearable, all these festivals we have are
shining examples of lassitude in our lives. diwali holidays are coming
up from 24th-26th so thats another hiatus to look forward to :-)
another problem we have during this period is all our clients (from
the govt sector) face acute paucity of staff (for obvious reasons) and
hence business comes to a virtual standstill! no wonder india moves
along as slothfully as an elephant :-)
however, on a brighter note, the hols this time were packed with
activities - community lunch on 3 days, cultural programs till late
into the nites, children's competitions....all culminating in the gala
immersion of the idol into the yamuna river y'day eve accompanied
by drums n dancing processions. u were on my mind all throughout,
I even tried to have a flash meeting with u on fri (in vain) :-( did u
come to office on the day?



ash - Hi dearest, feels goood to know tht in midst of ur busy holiday
schedule you spared thoughts for me. I've been badly bitten by the
flu bug. Was out sick from friday until monday. Got back to work
today, but I guess Im not yet 100 percent. So you see in a way I too
did manage to get away with a long weekend. Although mine was not
as pleasant as yrs, you were sauntering on my mind. I had this
visceral feeling I might miss you online one of the days and there
you mentioned yr flash show abt friday. Well, I'm eagerly waiting to
be in ur arms once again, so try a lil harder to log on soon..love,

************************************************************

Accept my apologizies for this delayed mail, not that I was remiss
but situations around me have drastically changed. First I was away
from work for couple days. Change in weather got my son down with
viral fever, so was home taking care of him. He is doing better now,
but there was noway I could steal time to get online from home.
When I returned back to work, I noticed we are now behind
something called a firewall, which restrains me to use services like
messenger and sites like hotmail. We do have a proxy server via
which we can connect effetcively to both hotmail and msn. As soon
as I find out the details abt it, I will see you online. Until then lets
keep up with the mails. Hope you are taking good care of your home
and family now that the lady of the house is down with jaundice.
Give my love to ur daughter and please don't stop writing.



kband - it was really nice to have caught up with u again the last
time after a while..it refreshed me in a manner only u can make
me feel ! saw Jogger's Park - the movie last nite..its still haunting
my mind. could identify with the emotions dreamz desires
hasraatein...are the domain of the gods, whereas the society and
its norms are man-made. so one has to bear with the inevitability..
this is gnawing at my soul, the movie ended toeing this line, i want
the flames to be lit forever, is that such an impossible mission???



ash - Was equally delighted meeting with ya again. Am breaking for
Thanksgiving holiday ths week, hopefully we should catch up next
week sometime. Love has many forms..., so goes an old adage. It is
only when love manifests itself in the form of relationships that we
truly begin apprising its endowment and distinction. I havent seen
Joggers Park yet, but have heard abt the story. Our association
resembles a guitar, the music of which may go off now or then but
the strings shall remain forever. Lets make it an ineffaceable bond
and that's no mission impossible..

***********************************************************

I kept trying your cell phone for a long time, unfortunately I could
not get connected. Just wanted to make up for my thoughtlessness.
Anyway heres wishing a special man in my life a very very happy
birthday. Now tell me what was it all like? How did you celebrate
and what was yr fav present? Birthdays are such special events in
our lives whether or not its a celebrated day. Dont think there is
any one out there who would be indifferent to its existence. Things
keep on changing, yet so much stays the same. This is the time
when the slowest thoughts run through the years.. You remember
innocence, smiles and sunshine, heartbreak and long phone chats,
time wasted, life enjoyed, stupidity surrendered, sanity recovered..
those were the days rite? .. ah but they had to end..so what do you
wish for this year ?

***********************************************************

Sorry for this delayed musing. These days whenever anyone asks
me "How are you?" my standard answer is "Tired". And that's
never been so. Why this tiredness, I ask myself. Its true, I am
tired. Mentally as well as physically. The physical tiredness can be
given assuage, but what about the mental one? How can I send my
mind for a vacation? Even when I am asleep, the mind isn't at rest.
I am plagued by garish dreams...strange plays of the over-
imaginative mind. I am not sleepy, but not really awake. I am not
sad, but mostly I am not completely happy. I've been running
around doing things, but I could very well do without it when it
gets over!! So much has been happening in the past few weeks,
my mind can barely keep up. There's so much activity...such a lot
of chaos. There was so much love that drained out...and then so
much more love that was pumped in. At one moment, I had lost
all my faith, all my wish to open up my heart again...and in the
next moment, I was surrounded by the most loving people, who
pulled me out...who made me float. Life sure is a magic potion. Its
bitter when you first taste it, but when it goes down and settles in
your stomach, you are blessed with the strangest of powers. I have
my powers too. (No, not the GraySkull kinds :P) My strengths are
in my easy healing heart, (I forgive, but I don't forget) in my need
to love, in my urge to smile...I will survive, to only see a better
tomorrow...



kband - Was online y'day for abt an hour (9.30 - 10.30 AM ur
time) waiting for u to show up, but it wasn't my lucky day!
perhaps u had taken ur son for the session, perhaps u had a
breakfast appointment, perhaps......my mind has been vitiated by
thoughts of what may have happened to u since i read ur mail. the
subtle interplay of contradictions within ur mind were portrayed
with ur characteristic elan, and though the silver lining in the end
dazzled blissfully, yet i just cant get over the underlying agony
which had been wreaking silent havoc on a soft and sweet heart!
hope to hear lilting, vivacious tunes emanating from its innards
again.
I have been on a roller-coaster too, but of an entirely different
kind. its the journey to and from each day between home and office
on notorious delhi roads spangled with potholes, dug-up sewers,
mounds of semi-filled cable trenches, fly-overs under construction,
not to mention the callous civic attitude - its one heck of a ride!!!
look forward to the realisation of the MRTS dream, meaning the
Mass Rapid Transit System (Metro Rail for the uninitiated). we
also hear that by 2010 delhi will leap-frog to becoming a princely
capital as the commonwealth games get staged here....till then we
gotta take the ups and downs in our stride.



ash - You say the nicest things ever! :) Ur easy healing heart and
warm nature will never ever let u down. Sure these small ups and
downs will becomes very insignificant when we see the bigger
picture...


(to be continued)

Back Again

(continued from the previous post dated 16th June '06)
The interruption was jarring, to say the least, but very soon we
were back in our attempts to make up for what we had been
missing badly. A long distance call renewed the conviviality.


kband - I do realise that to connect effectively over long distances,
msgs thru mail are the ideal medium. though the other forms of
instant communication give u the window to exchange quick
reciprocal thoughts, sometimes u'd rather want a wider 'view'. u
can then imbibe the myriad flavours in a slow, deliberate manner,
play them repeatedly as u wish and let the feelings sink in gradually
to the depths. a passive situation no doubt, but with a greater
interplay of deep-seated passions. and for people like me, who like to
weigh the words before they expose their ignorance, some quantum
of balance is restored perhaps while the thoughts that are in a state
of disarray are sorted out and arranged comprehensibly (?)
so though i'd like u to pay no heed to the gibberish that i was blurting
out y'day, there may just be a pattern emerging out of that
kaleidoscope. can the moments and days of ephemeral pleasure
converge into a joy forever? could the longing for each other cross
that vital threshold, that one could long for nothing else? for the
moment though, i feel elated that u consider me important enough
among many others to get some space in a corner of ur heart.
believe me, i dont want the heart to miss a beat.........



ash - My heart never missed a beat, where and how did urs ? I
want you to follow ur heart and not go against ur resolve of seeing
me online only cos I want so, but I'd really wish to talk to you in
this regard whenever you feel like. As for me I simply cant stop
thinking of you and ur mail with unexpected thoughts that skid on
me this morn. It must be something with me that I couldnt keep up
to you really and that feeling is killing me. Forgive me if I hurt u dear,
be well.



kband - Hope after I spoke to u y'day, u would've been a bit
placated and perhaps changed ur opinion about me and my ways.
I won't ramble about this any longer - i've been expressing my
opinion about how much ur mails fascinate me and how i love to
read them as well as write back. The habit of chatting, I feel,
perhaps, slows down such a habit and makes u pine for more -
more attention, more intensity, more expression. Unless the
entire gamut of feelings is explored in every sense, the void
continues to remain. To me the words u pour out in ur mail are
precious pearls which you have carefully culled from ur heart
exclusively for me. They signify undivided indulgence,
unmitigated pleasure ! Let us elevate ourselves to this plane
and experience the undiluted joy of togetherness.
Wish to assure u once again, i care for u ever so much that i can
never think of deserting u. Its all about finding out how to make
our hearts beat together, how to make our bond stronger and
more meaningful. Sparks dont matter, turbulences can come and
go, the journey can be made joyous only with faith and love.
U with me?



ash - It means a lot to me to know you understand and to never
second guess that you appreciated and accepted me for who I am.
Neither of us are perfect, but as we continue to grow and change
as individuals I hope our relationship will continue to grow stronger
and become more beautiful. Although I miss you around online it
gives me a feeling of security that we remain near in heart at all
times. I'm with you and lets stay together regardless of what
happens.....


(to be continued)