Expectations

(continued from the previous post dated 5th June, '06)
I grew increasingly restless on not being able to spend sufficient time
with her, owing to a variety of reasons. The uneasiness blanked out
my sense of reasoning and drove me to calamitous despair.


kband - When this mail finds u, u should be back in duty hopefully
after a languid weekend and ready to take on the outside world
with your characteristic zeal and blithe spirit. The hysteria on
Isabel would have died down and you must be looking forward to
new challenges, newer horizons, a bright new future - free from
claustrophobic dimensions in your life ! I'll not be waiting at the
entrance to greet you on arrival anymore.
On the last few occasions that I've met you, I could observe
perceptible changes in your attitude, which however subtle they
may be, have been unable to escape my rotten attention. Perhaps
your being was seeking a release from the shackles of such obdurate
attention, perhaps there were other demands including work which
kept u away. It could also well be that all these are figments of my
imagination spurred by my impossible expectations of finding an
unknown destiny. Would never know.
Be assured, i've enjoyed every moment of our intimate
association. You were like that bird which came with the song of
happiness in my window. You delighted me with your charms,
your passion, your unique zest for life. I forgot my woes, so much
so, that I began to believe that we were 'almost' there. But then I
realised that you belong to the open blue skies, your wings must
be craving to soar higher and higher into the realms of perennial
ecstasy. So go my sweet and find your space under the sun. Take
along with you my warm caresses, soft memories and best wishes.
I read that if you are capable of kissing while you are driving, you
are not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. In this age of
multi-tasking, somewhere we seem to have become unintentional
slaves to the plethora of needs and give quality of time the short
shrift. I had tried to focus solely on you while you were with me,
why on earth did it have to get blurred...........
I'll be there with you always, in one desolate corner of your heart.
Reading your mails have been a pleasure, I'll write to you in the
hope that you may reply in your mellifluous style and I can read
them over and over again while I look back with fondness. I may
even bump into you on odd occasions, just to catch up with what's
been happening in our respective worlds.
Till then, goodbye and take care. Give my love to your little one also.



ash - I'm highly shocked and extremely disheartened to read ur
mail. I already had set my mind to ask you today what you meant
by the words you signed off with on friday -'Dont think u need me
anymore'....whats with this assumption, rather its ur conclusion I
see. Just where did i go wrong and what kinda changes have you
observed in my attitude and what did you sense that something is
amiss? I agree in the last few days I've been a bit preoccupied with
work and havent been able to spend quality time with you nor write
to you in length, but when have I been edgy and hypervigilient?
Remember it takes 2 to a tango so you cant totally hold me
responsible for this void as you think. The thing that hurt me most
is that even without confronting me abt ur doubts u gave up on me.
You've decided to move on and follow through with your plan of not
seeing me even though I felt no such unrest about our association.
One thing I have yet to decide is if you are the emotionally inept
one, running away as soon as that first spark fades. or am I the
emotionally inept one clinging on to this association which seems
failing...Doesn't surprise me that you decided to move on, Im
used to being dumped and heck somebody talked abt eternity....
Hearts were made to be broken and I've finally realized mine is no
exception. Take care and thanks for the many good times you've
given me.


(to be continued)

You Are What You Choose

(continued from the previous post dated May 29th '06)
I told her about an anecdote I read about an old couple sitting for
hours in a restaurant holding each others frail hands while onlookers
wistfully longed for such bliss. Each of their wrinkles had a story to
tell about their travails in their life, yet they had chosen to be happy.
However, not everybody is presented with such distinct choices; at
times choosing one at the expense of another causes further
discomfiture, sometimes there's nothing to choose from!


ash - I've been slacking in writing to you off late, although my mind
is filled with ur thghts I just cudnt express them in mails for some
reason. That evening at ur lone office we spent together in a status
more than friends was indeed very special. you are one special
person that I hold close to heart. I totally agree to the story of the
old couple you mentioned, you have an amazing way of looking at
things. Really a moment is such a short amount of time in the span
of a lifetime; yet, more than anything I dream of sharing a quiet
moment alone with you. Though I feel your warmth across the
distance between us, I yearn for a moment to hold your hand, to
look into your eyes and see into your very soul, to get to know you
on a deeper level, to feel your spirit cross mine. You think this
dream I'm clinging to will ever come true?



kband - hi, been loafing around for a while here but no sign of u
yet. donno if u r caught up somewhere, or whether u'll turn up at
all today. hoping like mad that u do in another 5 mins, else i might
take another chance around 10 PM IST tonight. if all attempts of
a teta-tete fail, look forward to meeting u tomorrow, coz i hope to
be back in office sometime in the aft. so get set for another date with
your mate:)



ash - Hows it going in Dehradun? I figured the sleepy town didnt
show u signs of any cyber cafes. Hmm, just miss u around here in
my lil world, Was checking ur old mails over. I have a count of 25
so far so cheers to the silver number. Guess I need to sign up fr
more hotmail space ;)
I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that
there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were
the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great
miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched
and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is
himself. If all else perished, and HE remained, I should still continue
to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe
would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. - My
love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm
well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff
resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight,
but necessary. Nelly, I AM Heathcliff! He's always, always in my
mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to
myself, but as my own being. So don't talk of our separation again: it
is impracticable; and - 'She paused, and hid her face in the folds of
my gown; but I jerked it forcibly away. I was out of patience with
her folly!---Catherine in Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights.
Borrowed my all time favourite classic book from my niece whos
on it for a while. One of the most brutually intense love stories ever.
Such complex emotions -- unrealistic, unreasonable, and at the same
time very probable. Just like love... This piece I first read it as a kid.
Seemed pretty aimless then, but when u read it as a grown up...it
hurts...You've seen the movie on it? Ralph Fiennes delivers one of
the most powerful performances i have ever seen. I'm getting back
to books/movies. My next hit would be The Shawshank Redemption
another most poignant and perfect film. Seen or read that?
back to work...later



kband - Love or friendship?
Friendship with guys and love the gals.

Shrek or Simba?
My daughter will answer that, later.

Nicole or Julia?
Nicole is the better actress but i find Demi mo(o)re appealing.

Blue or green?
Blue, it signifies calmness without reason.

Eyes or smile?
Actually they complement each other. If looks could kill, the smile
softens u up and the eyes pierce ur heart.

Dogs or cats?
Not my pet subject. Would prefer if it rains that way and i get
stranded under a tree with u for company.

Kishore Kumar or Johnny Walker?
Can't compare apples and oranges. Johny was inimitable and
Kishore-da, though versatile, lingers on through his melodies.

Sacrifice or fight back?
Willing to give up everything for whom i care.

Pani puri or Bhel Puri?
Pani puri. Its an overwhelming experience with water streamin
down every pore and adding salinity to the hot-n-sour taste.

Ferrari or Mercedes?
Rolls Royce, love to be unique.

Reading or writing?
Reading what others say about my writing!

Juice or soda?
Soda with whiskey n ice. U can have the juice.

Listening or talking?
Wish i could talk as well as i can listen.

Sleeping or staying awake?
Dreaming, in any condition.

Roses or lilies?
Roses are more poignant, u can say it with roses like no other flowers.

Giving a hug or shaking hands?
Isn't the answer obvious?

Summer or winter?
Winter's cozy wit all the cuddlin inside blankets, but fortunately
we've got few more seasons, viz. spring - the time for nostalgia.

Hindi or English?
Make that Urdu. there's never been a sweeter language on the planet.


There u have it. But then, do u really? Coz, as i said life's not binary
and the real connoisseur revels in its multifarious hues. Don't wanna
believe me?



ash - Love or friendship?
Love is a subset of friendship. Love is friendship.
Shrek or Simba?
I have seen Shrek 8 freaking times. But obviously the ogre over the
Lion king any day.
Nicole or Julia?
Nicole Kidman…I like her attitude. Plus I think she was fantabulous
in Moulin Rouge, The Others and The Hours. I don’t care how she
looks; I simply admire the power she exudes.
Blue or green?
Blue. Anyone who loves the sky as much as I do can love no other
colour.
Eyes or smile?
Eye brows actually :-) Eyes, because they say a lot more than a
smile. A smile can be faked, but eyes are always on truth serum.
Dogs or cats?
Dogs…when I have a huge house, I’ll buy a golden brown Labrador
Retriever and call him Gobo
Kishore Kumar or Johnny Walker?
Kishore Kumar for giving me the best laughs of my life. Half Ticket
zindabad! Munnaaaaaaaa :D
Sacrifice or fight back?
Depends…
Pani Puri or Bhel Puri?
The former and only cold from the matka :-)
Jaguar or Mercedes?
Jaguar...I dream to own one someday.
Reading or writing?
reading, although writing would be a very close second. (unless we're
talking about writing research papers, in which case it's a very far
second.)
Juice or soda?
soda. I'm sadly addicted to Coke, which is happily pesticide-free in
the U.S.
Listening or talking?
I'm not too much of a talker, and I'm told I'm a good listener.
Sleeping or staying awake?
sleeping..:D
Roses or lilies?
lilies.. roses are so in-your-face-beautiful.. lilies are more subtle..
Giving a hug or shaking hands?
hug. this question assumes the other person is someone close, not a
sweaty uncle-type person you met five minutes ago..
Summer or winter?
Summer.. no fun without the sun :)
Hindi or english?
hindi.. :)


(to be continued)