Disentangled

(continued from previous post dated 22nd August)
I wanted to say a lot of things which perhaps couldn't be expressed
in writing, so I called her up. We spoke at length on everything that
came to mind and neither of us wanted to end the call. However, it
stirred up unexpected reactions!


lea - kothar jaale amake khali jodiye felo........aami kichchu bujhi
na tomai, kenoi ba amaake etokhkhon dhore call korle ? kenoi ba
amaake emon bhabe mail koro janina.........ki chao tao bujhina. tobe
aami amaar kotha bolte pari.........aami to kokhono bhabini je tomar
moto keu amaake mail korbe, amaar khoob bhaalo lage tai mail kori,
er theke beshi kichu bhabte chai na, taholei bodh hoy shanti. e-
friendship -er theke beshi kichu asha korata theek hobe na (i mean
true friendship)...........amaar haath-ta kaapche.........(may be u wont
believe).......but i feel really shaken.........we were talking for the last
2 hrs almost...........i dont know what all i said, what all u said.........i am
all so confused abt this whole thing. u know what I am not the smart
chalu kind of girl who is loking for some thrill on the net, i am not even
looking for a date...............why am i telling u all this? please help me if
u can...........please help me close this issue forever. aami eto bhoy
keno pachchi ? kisher bhoy ? ki aami chai, kichu bujhina.....aami to
shudhu bondhutto chai, shetuku dilei hobe, shudhu thokiyo na amay,
etukui bolchi. u think i am some kind of a nut.....or may be u think i
am pretending to be too innocent or something like that..........but
believe me I am not anything of that sort. i am a normal ordinary girl,
sometimes smart, sometimes too innocent, and probably confused
and scared when it comes to u. i dont know why. Please help.



kband - there are too many ghosts in your mind M that i can handle
at a time. in my last mail, i tried to do some jhaar-phook to one such
monster and now i find there's another one more mean here - era ki
roktobeej rakshas naki? anyway there are few ways i can possibly
help :
a) stop writing to you completely (now don't take it as emotional
blackmail)
b) change my style of writing and make it more conventional
(like your other e-pals)
c) send you my bio-data and also thikuji kushthi on everything
about me
d) none of the above, i.e. continue as if nothing happened.
now take your pick, else you suggest what else could be done coz i
think u have it all in ur mind.



lea - "......khamosh hothon se kya paigam doon
bechain dil ko kaise araam doon.........."
"Is agaaz ko kya anjaam doon,
bechain dil ko kaise araam doon.........."
DONT TRY TO DO ANY JHAAD PHOOK ANY MORE
a) IF U WANT TO STOP WRITING BECAUSE U THINK I AM
PARANOID, U R FREE TO DO SO. BUT I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO
b)PLZ STOP REFERRING TO MY OTHER E-PALS, COZ I HAVE
REPEATEDLY TOLD U I HAVE NONE. THE ONES WHO WRITE ARE
NOTHING MORE THAN STRANGERS TO ME, AND THEY DO NOT
MATTER. SO I DONT SEE WHY U SHOULD EMULATE THEM.
c)I DONT WANT ANY SUCH DETAILS FROM U.
Well, I think I have made everything pretty clear, R, as you wanted.
You will never face any questioning from me ever again. There wont
be any ghosts any more. Probably just you and me and our world.



kband - o baba eto chokhe shudhu lal lal sorshephool dekhchchi !!
that's me M. just trying to be humorous in my own way, most just
can't understand me coz i'm different in the way i tend to express
myself in any situation - kothar jaaley jodano aamar uddeshyo noi,
kaukey exploit korao aamar chintar bairey (least of all u) - most of
the time shei jonyo aami nijekey camouflage korey rakhi with a guru
gombhir look and haab-bhaab so that aamar bairey ta dekhey bhetor
ta chena is almost impossible. i had a feeling that maybe, just maybe,
there was a mirror in u which reflected my self, and i was turning out
to be RIGHT! but then u seemed to get caught in a whirlpool and i
simply wanted to help u in coming out of the tangle - that's why i tried
to call and speak to u at length, to explain to you that i'm real and not
a figment of your imagination.
enough funda-baazi for today, g'nite M



lea - I stand at 5 feet 2 inches and weigh exactly 70.96Kgs, used to
be 82 Kgs when I came back from the US. All I wrote in my previous
mail is a bunch of crap. I dont know why I wrote all that.........but I
did and I apologise for that. I am not the type who keeps hogging
24/7. yes, i do love different kinds of food items, thats true, and i also
love chocolates but its been months since i have eaten all that coz i
have been on a slimming programme for quite some time, which
helped me to reduce.Oh, by saying that the last mail was a crap, I
dont mean to suggest that i am a pretty girl or anything of that sort
..........well what does it matter how i look.I never expected any photos
from you nor did i ever intend to send you mine. But yes, there has
been this desire of hearing your voice and meeting you some day
somewhere.....................but i am not sure whether you would entertain
it. This also does not matter. Despite people asking me not to mail,
added to my fears and insecurities, i have continued mailing and
speaking to you, and will continue to do so..........that should say
something abt what i think of you.......i believed every word u said
.........maybe i should never have expressed all that i said over phone.
i think i have insulted you and also hurt u in a lot of ways. i dont know
if any apology would be sufficient, but i truly regret having said and felt
all those things. hope i will be forgiven. i've got nothing more to say R.
P.S. - Somehow, whatever i wanted to say to u over phone got lost
somewhere in our words. It just wasnt the fear that i wanted to talk
abt........i thought u would understand.........probably u didnt........or
maybe its my complete failure to express the right things at the right
time. i have always been bad at that..........even my fiance complains.
So i dont blame you, its just the way i am. But once again, sorry about
everything. In case u decide never to write back........may be i should
tell u this much:
Your mails will always remain with me as a memory, i will miss them
in my inbox...............they were my good companions..........i used to read
them like a storybook.........they make me feel good........and all that u
say about me..........well what can i say abt that. may be i should just
stop here.



kband - bok bok bok bokkom korey onek kothai to boley jao...
tobu na boleo bujhiye deowar khomota tomader achchey M....
etai aamar pawa, aamar sukh, aamar odbhut ek bhalolagaar
onubhuti. that makes two of us madhuri, the pleasure/pain is
mutual. oi je kobi-thakur likhechchilen -jare jai na pawa tari hawa
laaglo keno morey......
though i'm happy that u've been able to knock-off 10 kgs but don't
be overjoyed, it's still at least 5 kgs more than acceptable...so keep
at it (maybe not thinking about chocolates n icecream n ur earlier
binges may help, ha ha). but i would hv been much more pleased
had u given me some other stats and not these irrelevant ones:-))
so enjoy ur leave and try to regain ur composure, mera phone ka
bimaari zyadai lagtaa hai...i'll be leaving office around 2 pm, shall
mail u again before that.


(to be continued)